I was playing this game called "That Dragon, Cancer". It's more like a video than a video game, interactive of sorts and I felt really terrible. Like four years ago or sometime around... my Physics teacher said... correction! cursed "You are a terrible person. Death, darkness and despair will follow you around wherever you go."The context wasn't even related. I just proved him wrong in lacking imagination that being complete atheist is idiotic as there's something to learn always and being a physicist, he should know better that our assumptions are a small part in an ocean of knowledge. There! He went berserk and as if he was possessed or something... he. just. cursed.
Now you may be thinking that it's just a story but what followed looks like straight out of a fairy tale. I met an old guy in a very ill maintained temple. Now me, I don't believe in a crap they say in that temple but I was there for the deity, not the crap they said in the name of the deity. It was supposed to be a joke but somehow... I ended up asking my fate. You know horoscopes, an attempt to feel ready for what's coming. When someone says like, yo! you are gonna win a million dollars, you wouldn't be like 'hell yeah! I'm going to help the destitute or poor or someone suffering' and in all cases including me, we'd be like 'money for me and my people'. The thing is, we ask for future because inherently we know that something is going to happen and in most cases it's bad. We'll I had that feeling too. What the old guy said absolutely stunned me. He didn't even twitch saying it to me. He clearly said that three deaths are gonna happen in an year and I couldn't prevent it even if I wanted to.
In 8 months I lost 3 people who are very close in a variety of ways that I couldn't even fathom imagining. That pain stayed for a while and time apparently patched it up. Had I only remembered the thoughts that were going through my brain that day I would have been in a better position. I pushed everyone away. I wanted everyone to hate me. I just wanted someone to blame me for those deaths... give me the responsibility just so that I could have the reason for why I was suffering. Everyone didn't believe my story as it was a joke when it happened and I left everyone. I looked into my past. I lied, I cheated, I misguided. I was never a good friend, a good teacher, or a good student for that matter. I was having this wavering superiority and inferiority pulses that made my life an emotional ferry. There were times, I asked 'why couldn't this person just die?' and unfortunately I still do. I don't know if this is my OCD or something.
During those deaths I found the real people who were so different at the other times. The death is just a phase for some people. As simple as it may be to say that people can't mourn all their life for one person, it is also true that we shouldn't forget what impact their lives cast on us. We forget and for a good reason. Scrape all the bad memories but at least retain the good ones. There are people who are so impacted by Mahatma Gandhi that they adopted him as their lifestyle. I could even call it a religion, but then again so is church of Scientology and I'm going to consider it a cult. Why don't our own family members leave that impact. I have seen wives wipe off their 'obligatory my husband is dead' face in a matter of minutes but brothers have recalled memories from long past. I get it that I am being partial of sorts but shouldn't a wife grieve more? She's a life partner for God's mercy. Sometime later the daughters forget. Some sons son't give a fuck. And 2 months due... everyone forgets that a person was there. He was replaced like a piece of furniture occasionally remembered during close hours or despair and trust me... to distract a person.
It happened again but this time with a baby. She's the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. A pathetic misunderstanding as I am told it was wrecked a family to whatever is less than shreds, perhaps dust. Adult world seemed so idiotic with fights and quarrels that could have been decided over a table minus all the yelling and ego. Perhaps I am too young to understand or I was or may be I am right and they are all a bunch of idiots. I'll tell you what's true. The baby's death affected no one. Literally numero zero. I even heard the most vicious words one could ever say... 'the parents deserved it'. As long as my fury was building up, I controlled a nuke attack within myself fighting with my own consciousness not to burst out. Then again, I felt totally responsible as somebody believed in my theory. That was my sister. She was frightened that the curse (which I had forgotten about) was true indeed and if it was this was number two on the list. I had erased everything people said and focused on calculating on who could be the next. I was actually hoping that it should be me so that I could be relieved of this pain. I knew people never cared for me so, it shouldn't be surprising if no one turned up. I was afraid if I had at least some impact so that I could have a proper funeral and not some rotting body. I just chuckled thinking how I was thinking of this flesh knowing one day it would be a shell. Then, I saw the impact. I saw a shrine built by a father to a daughter who couldn't tell apart anything from anything else. Being mentally challenged didn't help as still... people dissed at her so much that I almost felt that she's better off with God than these filthy people.
That day, an old man cried and cried when everyone else including the father was asking for rest. I should only assume his heart broke. He asked to get relieved from this painful life like I did. I saw myself in him as I could have been the mirror reflecting him. I was born because evolution picked me to be his grandchild. It should be no surprise as I was thinking like him. We had a moment where we were not visibly crying but we could see each other sobbing at the loss of the dearest. We both saw the angst that we were suffering through but couldn't help it in any way. We were both welcoming death as a close friend, the real friend who knocks at your door mercilessly until you agree to play with him. We all know how good he's at games now, don't we? Looking at his eyes, I felt a sudden sense of liberation like never before. I saw around and saw the foolishness of the people. The foolishness of resting when there is so much work to do, evils to fight, most of them within us than outside. My father was just tethered as he had faced the grim of the reality himself months earlier.
Unbeknownst to us, it was my grandfather who took the turn. Worst, I wasn't even there. I still blame me for not being there. I was too busy with my "exams" when truly I should have been saying farewell to my life's guide. I am not saying that none of above should have lived longer or didn't deserve death but I am mourning on the fact that people just ignored what they stood for.
I know I am an evolutionary failure for not having sufficient emotional energy to be a normal person. Neither am I diseased when I could throw an excuse of being diseased. Every action that I did, do or will do is totally under my control but then again, I chose not to. I let my body control me. I am really sorry to not being able to impact people around me. That really makes me paranoid. That made me think about the only thing I can do with my life. I have decided to be a stepping stone for next step in the evolution. I have decided to be a better father and I'll tell my kids to live a life that counts. I want them to be the one kind I am never capable of achieving. I won't force them to do my bidding and neither will I let them taste the darkness I was seduced into. It really seems highly philosophical for a guy of my age but I have seen and done things that the guy of my age should never see or do. I always thought that I was the person who was alienating others but I just felt that I am a mirror. People are getting what they are. They didn't try to help me or guide me because they are so puny to be busy with their own lives of achieving something which is nothing worth saying when faced with death. They bent my back and vision over and over and now I have become a mirror facing itself. Now I can see an infinite of me and each possibility reflecting on itself to create a new one and then a new one and so forth. Somewhere during that point of reflection, I had realized something far greater.
I had realized what those deaths meant to me and what despair does to a person. I had realized about something I had preached before but never tried in my life. I had time. I felt so pathetic of my despair. I had realized what it made me do. I have a couple of pet dogs about whom I have cared out of a fatherly affection for some reason. I felt responsible for their diet and promised myself to care for them. One of them just became dirty with the filth in which they were playing. I am sorry that I began to alienate that one. I saw the other one who was quite innocent for a dog. That one likes to be fed and plays so gracefully. Recently some idiotic human (may pain be upon him) hit the latter in the eye. The dog was fine but now he has a visual impairment. I just couldn't watch him and I was in a soup of emotions. Hatred was on but I didn't know upon whom it was. I just went away from the puppy. It was probably thinking that I valued him for his external beauty and for not who he was. He probably thought I couldn't handle imperfection. Fact was, I couldn't handle any more people getting hurt because of me. That's what despair made me think. It made me feel responsible for things I could have controlled but just didn't. It made me mope around when instead I could have been healing. Healing myself and people around me. I have the time.
Watching a four year old go through cancer and the emotional turmoil the parents took prepared me for who I wanted to be. I sprinted to my dogs and hugged them. I just hoped that they didn't feel alienated for what terrible thing I have done and will excuse me for the same. They did. I hoped that it could have been similar with people. I know that this resolution will not last longer because these transitions just don't happen in a snap. I am just trying to hold on long enough to create an impact out of this experience which could possibly be my buddy till the end of the time. I don't wish to be the alpha male but if I could impact the pride somehow, that would be enough to trigger a smile in face of a certain death. I just hope that I am not wrong thinking this way.
Now you may be thinking that it's just a story but what followed looks like straight out of a fairy tale. I met an old guy in a very ill maintained temple. Now me, I don't believe in a crap they say in that temple but I was there for the deity, not the crap they said in the name of the deity. It was supposed to be a joke but somehow... I ended up asking my fate. You know horoscopes, an attempt to feel ready for what's coming. When someone says like, yo! you are gonna win a million dollars, you wouldn't be like 'hell yeah! I'm going to help the destitute or poor or someone suffering' and in all cases including me, we'd be like 'money for me and my people'. The thing is, we ask for future because inherently we know that something is going to happen and in most cases it's bad. We'll I had that feeling too. What the old guy said absolutely stunned me. He didn't even twitch saying it to me. He clearly said that three deaths are gonna happen in an year and I couldn't prevent it even if I wanted to.
In 8 months I lost 3 people who are very close in a variety of ways that I couldn't even fathom imagining. That pain stayed for a while and time apparently patched it up. Had I only remembered the thoughts that were going through my brain that day I would have been in a better position. I pushed everyone away. I wanted everyone to hate me. I just wanted someone to blame me for those deaths... give me the responsibility just so that I could have the reason for why I was suffering. Everyone didn't believe my story as it was a joke when it happened and I left everyone. I looked into my past. I lied, I cheated, I misguided. I was never a good friend, a good teacher, or a good student for that matter. I was having this wavering superiority and inferiority pulses that made my life an emotional ferry. There were times, I asked 'why couldn't this person just die?' and unfortunately I still do. I don't know if this is my OCD or something.
During those deaths I found the real people who were so different at the other times. The death is just a phase for some people. As simple as it may be to say that people can't mourn all their life for one person, it is also true that we shouldn't forget what impact their lives cast on us. We forget and for a good reason. Scrape all the bad memories but at least retain the good ones. There are people who are so impacted by Mahatma Gandhi that they adopted him as their lifestyle. I could even call it a religion, but then again so is church of Scientology and I'm going to consider it a cult. Why don't our own family members leave that impact. I have seen wives wipe off their 'obligatory my husband is dead' face in a matter of minutes but brothers have recalled memories from long past. I get it that I am being partial of sorts but shouldn't a wife grieve more? She's a life partner for God's mercy. Sometime later the daughters forget. Some sons son't give a fuck. And 2 months due... everyone forgets that a person was there. He was replaced like a piece of furniture occasionally remembered during close hours or despair and trust me... to distract a person.
It happened again but this time with a baby. She's the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. A pathetic misunderstanding as I am told it was wrecked a family to whatever is less than shreds, perhaps dust. Adult world seemed so idiotic with fights and quarrels that could have been decided over a table minus all the yelling and ego. Perhaps I am too young to understand or I was or may be I am right and they are all a bunch of idiots. I'll tell you what's true. The baby's death affected no one. Literally numero zero. I even heard the most vicious words one could ever say... 'the parents deserved it'. As long as my fury was building up, I controlled a nuke attack within myself fighting with my own consciousness not to burst out. Then again, I felt totally responsible as somebody believed in my theory. That was my sister. She was frightened that the curse (which I had forgotten about) was true indeed and if it was this was number two on the list. I had erased everything people said and focused on calculating on who could be the next. I was actually hoping that it should be me so that I could be relieved of this pain. I knew people never cared for me so, it shouldn't be surprising if no one turned up. I was afraid if I had at least some impact so that I could have a proper funeral and not some rotting body. I just chuckled thinking how I was thinking of this flesh knowing one day it would be a shell. Then, I saw the impact. I saw a shrine built by a father to a daughter who couldn't tell apart anything from anything else. Being mentally challenged didn't help as still... people dissed at her so much that I almost felt that she's better off with God than these filthy people.
That day, an old man cried and cried when everyone else including the father was asking for rest. I should only assume his heart broke. He asked to get relieved from this painful life like I did. I saw myself in him as I could have been the mirror reflecting him. I was born because evolution picked me to be his grandchild. It should be no surprise as I was thinking like him. We had a moment where we were not visibly crying but we could see each other sobbing at the loss of the dearest. We both saw the angst that we were suffering through but couldn't help it in any way. We were both welcoming death as a close friend, the real friend who knocks at your door mercilessly until you agree to play with him. We all know how good he's at games now, don't we? Looking at his eyes, I felt a sudden sense of liberation like never before. I saw around and saw the foolishness of the people. The foolishness of resting when there is so much work to do, evils to fight, most of them within us than outside. My father was just tethered as he had faced the grim of the reality himself months earlier.
Unbeknownst to us, it was my grandfather who took the turn. Worst, I wasn't even there. I still blame me for not being there. I was too busy with my "exams" when truly I should have been saying farewell to my life's guide. I am not saying that none of above should have lived longer or didn't deserve death but I am mourning on the fact that people just ignored what they stood for.
I know I am an evolutionary failure for not having sufficient emotional energy to be a normal person. Neither am I diseased when I could throw an excuse of being diseased. Every action that I did, do or will do is totally under my control but then again, I chose not to. I let my body control me. I am really sorry to not being able to impact people around me. That really makes me paranoid. That made me think about the only thing I can do with my life. I have decided to be a stepping stone for next step in the evolution. I have decided to be a better father and I'll tell my kids to live a life that counts. I want them to be the one kind I am never capable of achieving. I won't force them to do my bidding and neither will I let them taste the darkness I was seduced into. It really seems highly philosophical for a guy of my age but I have seen and done things that the guy of my age should never see or do. I always thought that I was the person who was alienating others but I just felt that I am a mirror. People are getting what they are. They didn't try to help me or guide me because they are so puny to be busy with their own lives of achieving something which is nothing worth saying when faced with death. They bent my back and vision over and over and now I have become a mirror facing itself. Now I can see an infinite of me and each possibility reflecting on itself to create a new one and then a new one and so forth. Somewhere during that point of reflection, I had realized something far greater.
I had realized what those deaths meant to me and what despair does to a person. I had realized about something I had preached before but never tried in my life. I had time. I felt so pathetic of my despair. I had realized what it made me do. I have a couple of pet dogs about whom I have cared out of a fatherly affection for some reason. I felt responsible for their diet and promised myself to care for them. One of them just became dirty with the filth in which they were playing. I am sorry that I began to alienate that one. I saw the other one who was quite innocent for a dog. That one likes to be fed and plays so gracefully. Recently some idiotic human (may pain be upon him) hit the latter in the eye. The dog was fine but now he has a visual impairment. I just couldn't watch him and I was in a soup of emotions. Hatred was on but I didn't know upon whom it was. I just went away from the puppy. It was probably thinking that I valued him for his external beauty and for not who he was. He probably thought I couldn't handle imperfection. Fact was, I couldn't handle any more people getting hurt because of me. That's what despair made me think. It made me feel responsible for things I could have controlled but just didn't. It made me mope around when instead I could have been healing. Healing myself and people around me. I have the time.
Watching a four year old go through cancer and the emotional turmoil the parents took prepared me for who I wanted to be. I sprinted to my dogs and hugged them. I just hoped that they didn't feel alienated for what terrible thing I have done and will excuse me for the same. They did. I hoped that it could have been similar with people. I know that this resolution will not last longer because these transitions just don't happen in a snap. I am just trying to hold on long enough to create an impact out of this experience which could possibly be my buddy till the end of the time. I don't wish to be the alpha male but if I could impact the pride somehow, that would be enough to trigger a smile in face of a certain death. I just hope that I am not wrong thinking this way.
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