Serious stuff

I don't think that I can carry any more of this burden on me. I have forgotten my own identity and ambition chasing around sustenance. I used to be the go to guy for any kind of notes or knowledge details in my class. It's not because I was better at it. It's because I was always one step ahead of the crowd. That doesn't necessarily mean leadership. The first person in a race is not a leader, he is just a winner. Conduct the race for a second time and mathematically, there is a chance that the winner might turn out to be a loser. That's what happened. I was so consumed with staying one step ahead that I stumbled, I fumbled and I dropped. Now, neither did I win the race nor did I lead the people.

I mean it happens to everyone but some people just don't care. They live the moment. I can certainly agree on the fact that they have lived a happy life but is that life purposeful? Again, biologically speaking, all of what any living or non-living entity in this universe does, leads to entropy. We all contribute our share to the inevitable doom. It comes as a great fortune that, at that moment of doom someone stands up facing a certain death, smiling at it and remembers your effort to make their life happy. Like in movie 2012, a vehicle that helped a family to be rescued, a book that's going to be a memoir of the past, a water bottle that helped quench the thirst of the dying... all those, including the motive, the reason and the people influencing that invention... they are purposeful.

Some people ask me that I smile a lot and it's awkward and I smilingly agree. See, you won't know when a bad news can strike your heart. Being happy doesn't cost much. I mean, we all have problems and we all deal with it. Take me for an example, I stack up my to-do list every single time. It bothers me that I can't complete exactly the way I intend it to get completed but that doesn't mean I show my frustration on others. I do, however get some outbursts. Recently, I burst out on my room mate but I made sure that he deals it in a right way. Granted, he doesn't speak to me anymore but the harsh words I said made him study more and I am happy. See, a win-win scenario. People express their emotions mostly in a way that makes them sad. They need to control and make it productive but then again, it needs practice and planning. Planned outbursts occur rarely.

I feel sad today. A certain good company ditched its recruits of the year because it was taken over by another company. I could have been happy as that company didn't select me as a candidate and it did select a person I despised (for purely different reason). Then again, it selected my friends who lost their jobs. Now, had I been selected, I'd have opted out of other companies. I was saved in a way. I chose not to be happy. I know what would have happened if it were me in that position of being cheated. I remembered what my father said.

"I believe that our God has a plan or if you are too scientific to believe in God, the universe runs in a pattern. Basic induction will tell you that under certain circumstances, things behave in a certain way. Some call it physics while some call it fate. This order of things might not seem right instantaneously but trust is a parameter that consoles the person. Sometimes, it fills us with hope and leads to better ways."

 I trusted not in myself but the faith my father put in me. He should be right and he knows to greater extent what's good for me. It may not be that obvious and may seem like I am losing my options. One has to realize that parents are the only selfless people you can get to love you unconditionally. All one has to be is not their burden.

Speaking of love, its tough to make a girl trust you. It depends on you trusting her in the first place. I missed that part as no one guided me through that path. I could never win trust from any one including my parents because I always did what felt right. Keeping secrets is not my thing. I could lie if I felt that's better approach to solve a problem but never can I keep a truth hanging. Keeping truth hidden created more damage than a lie. To put things in a perspective, hiding the fact that Karna was a son of Kunti created personal and strategic damage to Karna and Kunti. She could never rest a wink of a sleep after the war while her other kids savored the victory. Karna killed people in his teenage and went to extreme lengths to discourage Arjun, even killing Arjun's child. Out of pure jealousy, he killed battalions of noble Pandava soldiers just to compensate to the fact that he couldn't kill Arjun directly. Telling a lie like Aswatthama died, killed only one person alone, that is Drona. I have this philosophy working in my mind. Now to make a girl trust you, you will have to keep her secrets. I was not ready to carry that baggage of someone else. I lost my love. I have another theory, I never met a girl who could make me bend my rules. I want to meet her or did I meet her and just didn't realize it yet?

 All these thoughts ran through my mind in a flash. Powerful things that mind does, it's amazing to see. I said that I didn't lead or win and I lost my identity. Fact is the burden I was carrying was the ego of mine. My ego of not giving up guided me through tough times but through a darker tunnel. It made me happy to the extent that I relied upon destination and not the path. There was a way to be purposeful and content. The objective was to see a bigger picture all along. It's not bad to have aspirations but it's sad to fail the notion. The simple rule that we all are different, unique and hierarchical in our personalities evades our mind due to ego. One should aspire to be big but not at the cost of losing one's intent. Identities change with time. The intent of service should remain constant. My ego made me socially awkward. It made me lose friends. I took it upon myself to see what's right for others but they too have a choice. I just let them go. I do care about their well being and I can't advice for free. Also, I can't dictate or manipulate their fate. Even if I can, I shouldn't. It's because God has a better plan than I do. The greatest help I could ever give them is to let them retain their freedom of choice. As for I am concerned with myself, I should do my duties without asking for fruit.

Until next time,
Horopter

Still not on the path

First of all, it's awkward enough that I don't have enough practice to get through GATE and now, what's more awkward is that it matters the most. Come on, I can't join my new company with still the dream of google hanging like an albatross. It just doesn't fit. All I do is blog. Due to the fiasco of placements, I now know nothing, absolutely nothing about whatever is going on in the class. My dream of publishing a paper in IEEE is near to end seeing that one of my partner is quite passive. Also, not to complain, I have become as fat as I was before working out, heck! as fat as I was in my 8th standard. I just can't handle that much. Or can I?

Now the skies have cleared and I have three goals. First of them is to gain rank in the upcoming semester exam. Secondly, I have to return to GATE. If time permits, I have to complete 8th semester project by January and third, I have to return to Shrek of weight 57 Kgs back. All this in two months. Two months to be awesome again. Now I know that I couldn't be lovable or charming or serious as others. I am more like the scarlet speedster, not the dark knight. That doesn't mean I don't like giving surprises. So, in order to be more like the crimson comet, I should really work on the speedforce. I don't mean it like in graphic novels, I like it more in running really fast. I got to know how to bulk up, just about time, I hulk up.

I saw Ms. Angel today and as cliche as it can happen, she is with the fallen one. I want to earn her respect. There was a day when I wanted to be with her, life long. Now all I need is a cup of coffee with her. There is this scenario of her being across table. I'd be very busy, probably thinking about next DC movie or next day's code. Then I'd see her and everything vanishes. I'd look her in the eyes, feel her words touching my ear, lose myself in her presence. Then again, I wouldn't be that obvious. I am still a gentleman that respects her judgement. I'd look stubborn and not caring even though I am melting inside with each passing moment. I mean, if I had such a feeling towards God, I'd achieve salvation. For that moment, I prefer her presence, be it across the table. She may not want to date me. I may not want to kiss her. It's just two people in a cafeteria. Those few seconds, they are precious man. If, in those few seconds, there be a fraction when she'd think, the person across the table cares about me, that moment I'll be proud enough to get true love.

I am not asking her to do anything for me. I don't want anything from her but respect. The kind of respect that comes with trust. The trust that comes with acknowledging the fact that the other person means no harm. I've been drowning for three years and all my other attempts were to reach the shore. Now I realize, after having a good job, a better study scenario, a couple of friends who I can trust with my life, I could have chosen any mongrel of a girl who wants me to spend money on her, I could have chosen any of my ex-girlfriends or childhood friends, any girl from my village or any girl. I know for a fact that ninety percent of those girls are just puppets. They don't understand the reason behind what I do. I chose Angel, I'll always choose Angel. That's when I knew that my life is empty without her.

I see the deepest evil in the people and to them I am evil. I see prejudice, gore and extreme hate. Let's take an example, Kitty : my crush from first semester in this college, she hates the guts of Kannadigas. Angel on the other hand, is more mature. She can tell apart Orion from clusters. Now I love Angel and I despise Kitty. Angel sees good in people. She is a symbol of hope and tranquility. She is an epitome of bliss and faith. I should say that I dodged a bullet when Kitty said no. If she'd said yes, I'd still be salivating at her artificial beauty that needs constant attention to sustain. Now I have a purpose in life and a chance to meet Angel. Anyway, I need to be on the right path... Still not on the path.

Bells all around

Well, it's been too long without a blog post mainly because my partners were not so "in requirement of internet". I'd appreciate that except for the fact that I lost my most important tool of success right before the test of skill. Yeah, I am talking about ZS associates. It's a great company. I am not going into the specifics mainly because I signed on an agreement not to reveal too much and I abide my my words when I feel like it. I lost internet and the ability to revise the questions a day before the test. I was scared if I had missed anything. Fortunately, the process went well and I got selected.

There is still something that really bothers me though. Even this time, I got selected for my past. All the work that I have done, my projects or my take on others' projects. Only they helped me get through the process. I have realized that though I am capable of bringing out ecstatic answers to complex problems, I am failing at the things I am supposed to know, and in this case, it is algorithms. Data structures is still a bit rusty but I had no clue about algorithms. Again fortunately, I had explained them that I only learn things when they are necessary. It occurred to me, I always have a back up plan. How could I miss something so simple? What if I needed to solve a problem and I don't have a solution? It was the question asked in a less personal way or more formal way to me by the interviewer. That question really took a toll on me. I am unprepared for the worst and frankly, that's not my style. Suddenly a bell rang in my brain. I realized that my laziness got the best of me. All the interviews before flashed in a second. I had failed all of whom I lost because of my laziness. It's not that I am less capable, it's because I am less prepared. I had concentrated where I wanted me to be needed and less where I am needed.

I expected Mr. Guns and Mr. Python to get selected but unfortunately Ms. Ghost got selected. Appearing in several companies has really paid off. I am really worried that I will have to work with a ghost for the rest of my life. I better kill myself before I see that day. I mean there is no chance I'd meet Ms. Angel through her. Speaking of which, how come angels and ghosts become friends? It just beats me. Then again, I am Shrek. Who am I to judge? Probably ghosts and trolls scare each other. I don't know. Good news is Deep got selected, Iskcon got selected and of course Dalims got selected. As for me, I couldn't have made it through this far if Pushy didn't lend his laptop. I don't know his perspective about me but I'd be grateful to anyone who'd trust me like he does. Dalims certainly won't trust me. I am agnostic on Iskcon's opinion. Deep, well... I have never spoken to him much. See, I am incapable of a social life that is normal to these people because that deals with keeping secrets and being friends... simultaneously. I just can't do that. So I regard them as acquaintances. My policy with my acquaintances is to talk to them when necessary. That's the way it's gonna be.

It's at this point that miss Ms. Angel. She blocked me everywhere so seeing her pictures is thrown out of the window. I am not a creep, I am just socially uncomfortable. Angels tend to seek physical beauty and me being a troll, I am incapable of having one. It's fine. I have tried exploring the other opportunities but non-Angel girls aren't ready for love. First off, it's tough to get my type of girl and second, they are either not ready or it happens to be Ms. Angel. What wouldn't I give for a cup of coffee with her? My job, my money, my skills, my life (all of which are pathetic BTW)? Everything? Sure! Just a cup of coffee with her and I'd be ready to lose everything.

I am always inspired by the love story of Srinivasa at Tirumala temple. That's really idealistic but the sole simplicity of love is fantastic. No offense but the medieval love stories and their tragic endings really make me gag. Is there a subliminal message not to love in those stories? Movies have really corrupted that idea so to speak. Devdas should really get a life. Romeo doesn't need Sherlock Holmes kind of skills to tell if Juliet is dead. They are a bunch of fools for all I know. That's bad for health kind of love. I mean look at Padmavati, she hated the guts of Srinivasa to ask her hand in marriage. They fought for one whole year. It doesn't make Srinivasa a creep or desperate fellow. He's deeply in love with her and I say she was worth fighting for, even when the fight is between them. I mean I could never have such a love with Ms. Angel but still, it's good to have bells ringing.

An unexpected turn of events

Continuing with my previous post, I have today. See for example, my love in college aimed to be entertained. She got what she wanted and I am happy for her. Let's check the future for what it is. She is with a guy who flunked an year. That's pathetic. Okay, I am on the verge of the same thing but I will struggle hard to make sure that doesn't happen. Her choice is terrible considering the prospective future. I am creepy and I can understand that. She could have gone for anyone better than me but no. She went for the worse. At least I hope he makes her happy. The point is he had his day. He had yesterday.

Another example is my friend, say Ron. He is very intelligent and highly capable of decision making. He wouldn't be here if it wasn't for fate. Unfortunately, he is here. One day, he will get to where he belongs. That is tomorrow. It's a bit uncertain but as long as there is a tomorrow, he will still have a chance to get there. All I have is today. I didn't have yesterday, considering the fact that I lost my love to an undergrad failure with rich assets monetarily and that I don't have a tomorrow considering the fact that I neither possess the skill or luck to venture into the adventure land. All I have is a today. Today if I don't work, I will never see the sun rise. If today I don't study, I would have missed the chance of learning so great. I'll miss the deadline I fixed to myself. With this chaotic ever changing world, I am not even sure if death will occur, the next second. I have no friends, none of us do. May be that we have people to help us in need and that's it. You could basically hire people to do that.

Anyway, as far as ZS guys, I don't have enough time anyway. My strategic move in one fucking day is to do data structures to its fullest and revise databases. I know I am not gonna get through this successfully. I am better off with preparing for GATE strategically. In other news, I just want to learn stuff for what it is. So there's that. In all sinceriousness, I am leaving this post with one note. Try to find those things that'll show you that you are alive.

See you next time
Horopter

I just didn't realize

It is completely out of my bounds. Today is 26th October and I am still figuring out how to deal with algorithms. This is crazy man. This is stupid crazy. All the answers I was seeking for so long is actually divided into three really simple concepts.

As a CSE guy, I am supposed to be familiar with this stuff, at least by now. So to break it down, this is emotionally unpleasing. The three paradigms, divide and conquer, dynamic programming and greedy algorithms are the essential part of coding which I was completely unaware of. See, I tell you, nothing gives you the satisfaction of creating stuff and that's why mother is hailed big in the universe, like highest rank of all. Coming to the point, digesting the method delivered by not you, is like serving food cooked by others. Sure, it's a great experience but just imagine cooking and serving to the person you love the most. Nothing beats that feeling. Being a man, I can't cook and neither can I serve. I could be a savage for all I am.

I want to learn to solve problems and for some reason I was afraid. I started blaming people around me. O yeah they deserved because most of them got lucky. It's just unfair that I just blamed, you know what I mean? I just blamed, I mean, I never took any steps to increase my potential. Is it too late to learn. It never is and the fact that I realized it now makes me happy. I will be learning for I want to. It's not because there is some stupid test or an interview the next day. I can practice a lot, learn a lot and not flinch for a second. It may sound hypocritical because I started algorithms to, well, basically to appear to ZS and GATE but now I am happy to see that it's not the case. Now, I want to learn the subject for what it is.

Have you ever felt that you are a character in a video-game that received a new power? I felt just like that when this happened. I was literally going through D&C and I felt a rush. I was feeling as if I got  a new superpower. Don't take me wrong, this is not the first time. I used to feel it every single time in my high school. Ramaiah college ruined me for good. It took me three years to get back that feeling. Now I don't care. I am not afraid of my life anymore. I want to create stuff and I have got my tools. Sure, I am still at fourth tier in placements and as far as pay-grades are concerned I am not moving anywhere with my life. I have hope. I have the greatest gift I could ever have. Today.

Yes, not many people have today. Sure, they have tomorrow, they had yesterday. How many people really have today? Not many. I have today. 

At least I am free now

So today I have completed like half of Algorithms. This was a good experience and tells me how fast I can solve problems and how strong my memory is. It's rusty but I am sure that in two months I can crack the code. Anyway, my little experiment with my roommate went pretty horribly. I haven't spoken a word with him and I even didn't acknowledge his existence even. The point I am trying to make is how independent I can be. Gone are the days of sulking around and making up for feeling guilty. I am being what I have always wanted to be.

I mean let's do the head count and in this case, the work count. I have a job ready, check! I am in a pretty good condition of doing an internship, check on that too! I have some pretty good repositories on a very promising work. Now if we compare and by that I mean really compare the value, the only thing that beats me is how Sid solved the puzzle. Something tells me that I haven't dived too deep into that ocean and when I really do, I can crack it myself plus two years. It's really a shitty feeling but hey, he got the head start and I am not annoyed at all. I have a promising work on my 8th semester project and only time will tell how great it's gonna be or how badly I'll fail at it. I am on the verge of creating my own text editor and it should be ready in a month I guess. If something goes according to the plan, I will most certainly create a toy compiler for the dream project I have. Speaking of which, next paragraph will continue after five minutes.

So apparently, the direction I should be looking is lambda calculus and ML. I knew it sounded familiar but it was mentioned in dragon book. There are several versions, Caml, OCaml etc and it really sounds fun. If only I could retrace all my searches and links from before, I can find a way or two to arrive at the university lessons to build a compiler in OCaml. Also, Michael said that he made the compiler just enough to host itself. If that be true, it can be done with mine too and I just need to figure it out. This seems to be a lot of research and a long shot at that. Something tells me that I won't be working for Moonraft at all. Anyway, having such an awesome inspiration should payoff sooner or later. Some work needs to be done on let and S expressions.

With me being in this way, I think I am accomplishing more than ever. Probably, I could even be topper of the class this year but let's see to that later. You know what, starting after 29th, I'll crack the code for topping my own class. I mean how hard could it be? Only thing I am afraid of is failing and I should not... In any case. Coming to the point, I don't mind losing friends. Friends are replaceable. It's a harsh truth. At least I am free now and I am happy with all that I am doing. This is coder's dream and I am living it. In fact I am loving it. In case I complete the next half of the algorithms, I'd be left with two specific things, data structures and database management. I have six people to defeat and my room mate ain't one.

That might be a bit much...

I know it's not my style to blog about people but this could be different. This is not a project but an achievement nonetheless. Helping a friend even if he hates you is probably worth some time.
Speaking of which, I have poured water on his bed after trying to drench him unsuccessfully. This worked perfectly as planned. He got so angry but yeah he underestimated my fighting skills. After all people try to boast their physical capabilities. I beat up four kids in school, choked Anaas nearly to death and did I forget the time I hit Veeresh with a stone. I can fight good, perhaps not like before since that stupid electric shock but I think I still can.

Okay, my father was angry and belted me for choking that guy but I can tell it was self defense. I could literally noose this guy whenever I want but let's be real here, these people never saw me angry. Those who have seen never met me again except that one time with Parshuram. Cookie is great guy but he went too far too soon. Perhaps all Biharis don't give a family respect evident by 8 examples but then again there is Pushy whom I can give my life for all he has done. It's not fair by me to generalize stuff.

Now I can't stay this way because I'd be at losing point, loosing another friend might cost me bad. If by any means, he takes my insult seriously and starts studying, I have no problem being his enemy for life. It would help him a lot, trust me. Vasi did for me and I can pass on the torch in seconds. The case is how he would take this from here on. Would he hold up a grudge? That's the point, right? Being physically abusive was the point to break him so that he could study. Would he rub it off? That would make him a great person and another reason to state him as my friend. I want my friends to prosper. This is a moral conflict. I have no right to intrude with people's personal stuff but wouldn't I face hell for not caring for people.

Also, I can't be cool myself because that way this would be a scar in the friendship. It wouldn't be meaningful much. Clearly, I wasn't thinking right when I planned this. I sincerely hope he forgives this but then again, I hope he starts fucking studying. You know what, screw this! That might be a bit much but he insulted my father straight in 40 seconds. He is racist evident by the fact that he localized Ram even though he doesn't know half of what the Lord stood for. I don't tolerate my uncle scolding my father and I shouldn't tolerate this puny human. Then again, he doesn't know my plan. Good thing that as a side benefit, I saw his true colors. Heat really brings out color of the metal, doesn't it? Fuck it, six more months and I am done with this environment.

Horopter

P.S. Now if he apologizes for the word on my father, I might help him. After all best friends are the ones who really fight. I don't know! Peace!

Even handed

What causes the brain to change the course of action? Physical pain.
Pain causes a person to think in a different way. It changes the context and it changes the decision made earlier. This is the way to progress with a person. From nearly two weeks, my dear friend didn't study a bit. God, has given a chance to him and perhaps it might be the last chance. Convincing a person doesn't hold good. You have to show him where he is and where he needs to be. Sometimes that means you cross a line. I am about to cross a line. After the discussion at the dinner today, I saw how incredibly passive he is. This bugs me. The only reason being that good people shouldn't get left out. I want him to get hurt gently.

I mean come on, being mean suits me but I can't be that way. I poked him several times and I have even took his laptop off. Something tells me that he has given up hope. Perhaps some rage could do some bidding but I am unable to guess where his rage point is. He is gonna face trial by fire and we all know he is not ready. Perhaps trial by water?

Now don't tell me I am quoting Ant-man. It's just a metaphor. I can drench him in water tonight and perhaps get some attention. It could possibly give me some context to say the unspeakable. Perhaps this can be his rage point. I have to be calm, act annoyed and God, I have to suppress my smile. I feel sorry for him but all I can do is try the only option I can. Caring about people is not my duty and this might be morally wrong. Then again, I have him as my only supporter and probably his betterment is that of mine. I have to deal with him evenhandedly and may Ram help me.

Horopter

Java socket programming / Xamarin Chat App

My hesitation to reject the possibility of creating a chat application is really getting onto my nerves. First point is why is it so easy. I mean yeah, creating email at this point is easy, easier now than say 15 years in the past. Also, I want to create an email service now, now that I think about it. But to hell with that. If a website today comes with a default email service, it doesn't make any sense for me to create one.
Coming back to the point, Xamarin is a really good platform to create cross-platform apps and my interest is to create a chat app. Anyway, it is so easy and I should be finding myself a vast array of chat apps. Android's playstore has more than I could imagine but none of them are in solid use. This bothers me.
Should I do it as an academic exercise? After all anybody could copy paste code to generate fibonacci numbers but the point to teach that is to introduce recursion. You can't run with it and get a job. Although it could be a potential interview question, it alone doesn't serve any purpose. Now, if I generate a fractal using the series, it would still be meh as you would be one of those guys who read beyond textbook. Now, if we are talking about detecting a pattern in a very weird scenario and if that matched the well known fibonacci series, you've hit the jackpot. Is similar thing possible with chat application?
May it is or may be it isn't. Kirusa definitely created a chat application and if I have any intention to get into that, it only makes a logical sense that I should learn. Something that's easier to learn is of course java socket programming. C# is great but doesn't sound the same. The only way through I see is that better learn java for desktop applications and use C# for socket programming. Given a chance, I could possibly transfer the knowledge to Xamarin and make a chat app.

God, blogging your thoughts is like brainstorming with 5 people.
Until I come up with a mind-boggling decision.
Bye
Horopter

P.S. Currently I am doing 8th sem project and  a text editor. This one could be a burden on me.

New Text Editor

I know that it's been a long time since I have posted anything because apparently, in last three years, I have used facebook as my blog. I have realized that people will hear which they want to hear. I am totally fine with it now, trust me. Anyway, long story short, I have a generalized opinion on everything. I have quit facebook and if you are reading this I suggest you do that too. Secondly I have now joined twitter (@santrodesai in case you want to hear me show off stuff).

With that said, I am back to frequent blogging. I want to be more productive and I am designing software which I can. In this case, I am designing a text editor. Funny enough, this pet project is easy AF. I wanted to make this so badly for so long. Primarily because I wanted to create a compiler in the first place. That baby is gonna take a while and I saw that projects aren't gonna help me get placements. So, be it as it may. I am concentrating more on simpler ones, like 8th semester project which is being written in a blog of its own at http://priceofsentiment.blogspot.com/ and of course, I am making a java project because I want to learn JSwing. BTW, that is text editor in case it wasn't clear enough.

Finally, I stopped giving long lectures and I have to stop telling stuff out loud, which inherently means, not too deep in blogging. This site would be pretty ambiguous and encrypted in delivery like it is supposed to be. If you want code samples, search for me (Horopter) at github. See you next time.