I don't think that I can carry any more of this burden on me. I have forgotten my own identity and ambition chasing around sustenance. I used to be the go to guy for any kind of notes or knowledge details in my class. It's not because I was better at it. It's because I was always one step ahead of the crowd. That doesn't necessarily mean leadership. The first person in a race is not a leader, he is just a winner. Conduct the race for a second time and mathematically, there is a chance that the winner might turn out to be a loser. That's what happened. I was so consumed with staying one step ahead that I stumbled, I fumbled and I dropped. Now, neither did I win the race nor did I lead the people.
I mean it happens to everyone but some people just don't care. They live the moment. I can certainly agree on the fact that they have lived a happy life but is that life purposeful? Again, biologically speaking, all of what any living or non-living entity in this universe does, leads to entropy. We all contribute our share to the inevitable doom. It comes as a great fortune that, at that moment of doom someone stands up facing a certain death, smiling at it and remembers your effort to make their life happy. Like in movie 2012, a vehicle that helped a family to be rescued, a book that's going to be a memoir of the past, a water bottle that helped quench the thirst of the dying... all those, including the motive, the reason and the people influencing that invention... they are purposeful.
Some people ask me that I smile a lot and it's awkward and I smilingly agree. See, you won't know when a bad news can strike your heart. Being happy doesn't cost much. I mean, we all have problems and we all deal with it. Take me for an example, I stack up my to-do list every single time. It bothers me that I can't complete exactly the way I intend it to get completed but that doesn't mean I show my frustration on others. I do, however get some outbursts. Recently, I burst out on my room mate but I made sure that he deals it in a right way. Granted, he doesn't speak to me anymore but the harsh words I said made him study more and I am happy. See, a win-win scenario. People express their emotions mostly in a way that makes them sad. They need to control and make it productive but then again, it needs practice and planning. Planned outbursts occur rarely.
I feel sad today. A certain good company ditched its recruits of the year because it was taken over by another company. I could have been happy as that company didn't select me as a candidate and it did select a person I despised (for purely different reason). Then again, it selected my friends who lost their jobs. Now, had I been selected, I'd have opted out of other companies. I was saved in a way. I chose not to be happy. I know what would have happened if it were me in that position of being cheated. I remembered what my father said.
Speaking of love, its tough to make a girl trust you. It depends on you trusting her in the first place. I missed that part as no one guided me through that path. I could never win trust from any one including my parents because I always did what felt right. Keeping secrets is not my thing. I could lie if I felt that's better approach to solve a problem but never can I keep a truth hanging. Keeping truth hidden created more damage than a lie. To put things in a perspective, hiding the fact that Karna was a son of Kunti created personal and strategic damage to Karna and Kunti. She could never rest a wink of a sleep after the war while her other kids savored the victory. Karna killed people in his teenage and went to extreme lengths to discourage Arjun, even killing Arjun's child. Out of pure jealousy, he killed battalions of noble Pandava soldiers just to compensate to the fact that he couldn't kill Arjun directly. Telling a lie like Aswatthama died, killed only one person alone, that is Drona. I have this philosophy working in my mind. Now to make a girl trust you, you will have to keep her secrets. I was not ready to carry that baggage of someone else. I lost my love. I have another theory, I never met a girl who could make me bend my rules. I want to meet her or did I meet her and just didn't realize it yet?
All these thoughts ran through my mind in a flash. Powerful things that mind does, it's amazing to see. I said that I didn't lead or win and I lost my identity. Fact is the burden I was carrying was the ego of mine. My ego of not giving up guided me through tough times but through a darker tunnel. It made me happy to the extent that I relied upon destination and not the path. There was a way to be purposeful and content. The objective was to see a bigger picture all along. It's not bad to have aspirations but it's sad to fail the notion. The simple rule that we all are different, unique and hierarchical in our personalities evades our mind due to ego. One should aspire to be big but not at the cost of losing one's intent. Identities change with time. The intent of service should remain constant. My ego made me socially awkward. It made me lose friends. I took it upon myself to see what's right for others but they too have a choice. I just let them go. I do care about their well being and I can't advice for free. Also, I can't dictate or manipulate their fate. Even if I can, I shouldn't. It's because God has a better plan than I do. The greatest help I could ever give them is to let them retain their freedom of choice. As for I am concerned with myself, I should do my duties without asking for fruit.
Until next time,
Horopter
I mean it happens to everyone but some people just don't care. They live the moment. I can certainly agree on the fact that they have lived a happy life but is that life purposeful? Again, biologically speaking, all of what any living or non-living entity in this universe does, leads to entropy. We all contribute our share to the inevitable doom. It comes as a great fortune that, at that moment of doom someone stands up facing a certain death, smiling at it and remembers your effort to make their life happy. Like in movie 2012, a vehicle that helped a family to be rescued, a book that's going to be a memoir of the past, a water bottle that helped quench the thirst of the dying... all those, including the motive, the reason and the people influencing that invention... they are purposeful.
Some people ask me that I smile a lot and it's awkward and I smilingly agree. See, you won't know when a bad news can strike your heart. Being happy doesn't cost much. I mean, we all have problems and we all deal with it. Take me for an example, I stack up my to-do list every single time. It bothers me that I can't complete exactly the way I intend it to get completed but that doesn't mean I show my frustration on others. I do, however get some outbursts. Recently, I burst out on my room mate but I made sure that he deals it in a right way. Granted, he doesn't speak to me anymore but the harsh words I said made him study more and I am happy. See, a win-win scenario. People express their emotions mostly in a way that makes them sad. They need to control and make it productive but then again, it needs practice and planning. Planned outbursts occur rarely.
I feel sad today. A certain good company ditched its recruits of the year because it was taken over by another company. I could have been happy as that company didn't select me as a candidate and it did select a person I despised (for purely different reason). Then again, it selected my friends who lost their jobs. Now, had I been selected, I'd have opted out of other companies. I was saved in a way. I chose not to be happy. I know what would have happened if it were me in that position of being cheated. I remembered what my father said.
"I believe that our God has a plan or if you are too scientific to believe in God, the universe runs in a pattern. Basic induction will tell you that under certain circumstances, things behave in a certain way. Some call it physics while some call it fate. This order of things might not seem right instantaneously but trust is a parameter that consoles the person. Sometimes, it fills us with hope and leads to better ways."I trusted not in myself but the faith my father put in me. He should be right and he knows to greater extent what's good for me. It may not be that obvious and may seem like I am losing my options. One has to realize that parents are the only selfless people you can get to love you unconditionally. All one has to be is not their burden.
Speaking of love, its tough to make a girl trust you. It depends on you trusting her in the first place. I missed that part as no one guided me through that path. I could never win trust from any one including my parents because I always did what felt right. Keeping secrets is not my thing. I could lie if I felt that's better approach to solve a problem but never can I keep a truth hanging. Keeping truth hidden created more damage than a lie. To put things in a perspective, hiding the fact that Karna was a son of Kunti created personal and strategic damage to Karna and Kunti. She could never rest a wink of a sleep after the war while her other kids savored the victory. Karna killed people in his teenage and went to extreme lengths to discourage Arjun, even killing Arjun's child. Out of pure jealousy, he killed battalions of noble Pandava soldiers just to compensate to the fact that he couldn't kill Arjun directly. Telling a lie like Aswatthama died, killed only one person alone, that is Drona. I have this philosophy working in my mind. Now to make a girl trust you, you will have to keep her secrets. I was not ready to carry that baggage of someone else. I lost my love. I have another theory, I never met a girl who could make me bend my rules. I want to meet her or did I meet her and just didn't realize it yet?
All these thoughts ran through my mind in a flash. Powerful things that mind does, it's amazing to see. I said that I didn't lead or win and I lost my identity. Fact is the burden I was carrying was the ego of mine. My ego of not giving up guided me through tough times but through a darker tunnel. It made me happy to the extent that I relied upon destination and not the path. There was a way to be purposeful and content. The objective was to see a bigger picture all along. It's not bad to have aspirations but it's sad to fail the notion. The simple rule that we all are different, unique and hierarchical in our personalities evades our mind due to ego. One should aspire to be big but not at the cost of losing one's intent. Identities change with time. The intent of service should remain constant. My ego made me socially awkward. It made me lose friends. I took it upon myself to see what's right for others but they too have a choice. I just let them go. I do care about their well being and I can't advice for free. Also, I can't dictate or manipulate their fate. Even if I can, I shouldn't. It's because God has a better plan than I do. The greatest help I could ever give them is to let them retain their freedom of choice. As for I am concerned with myself, I should do my duties without asking for fruit.
Until next time,
Horopter
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